Blog

Narcissist.  Self-Centered.  Self-Adulating.  Self-Promoting.  Selfish.

Synonyms.  Surely none of these descriptions or character traits are what parents desire to see their children become. Yet, a new study reported in the LA Times says this is precisely what many parents are producing.  The article begins with these words,

"Parents who believe their kids are better, more special, and deserve more than other kids can pass that point of view on to their children, creating young narcissists who feel superior to others, and entitled to privileges." You can read the whole article here.

It's strikes me as amusing that the researchers seem to act as if they have hit upon an epiphany of sorts.  That parenting matters!  That parents deeply and significantly influence their children's character by their methods and modeling.  The study's findings were summarized some two-thousand years ago:

"A student is not above his teacher; but everyone after he has been fully trained will be like his teacher" (Luke 6:40).

Or perhaps the ancient sage King Solomon summarized it a thousand years before Jesus took on flesh and walked the earth:

"Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Prov 22:6).

It should not surprise us that non-Christian parents are raising self-centered children.  While I am not saying every single non-Christian parent is totally selfish, apart from the transforming grace of God in Christ, this is the natural tendency of every person.  So, selfish parents raise selfish kids.  And selfish parents give conception and birth to selfish kids.  The apple never falls far from the tree (coincidentally, the scientific study also concluded selfishness is genetic.  No surprises here for Bible believers, Psalm 51:5).

But it should shock us to see Christian parents also bringing up little narcissists.  And far too many Christian parents are doing so, if perhaps unwittingly.  Let me touch on a few ways we Christians may be raising narcissists, even if we do not mean to do so:

• Not meaning "no" when you say "no."  Children in the study admitted their manipulative tendencies!  They learn quickly that all of life is a negotiation to get my way if parents do not mean "no" by saying "no."
• Centering the entire daily and weekly schedule around a child.  Yes, when they are infants, it is all but necessary to give massive amounts of time and attention to the child's needs.  But this phase can and should end earlier than we like to admit.  A pre-K or kindergarten child who gets chauffeured around like a celebrity from one extra-curricular activity to another soon begins to think (or learn) that life really is centered on her.  Why are we so scared to hold our children out of sports or 4H or bands or any other of the hundreds of "fun" and stressful activities available?  A sport now and then is fine.  Revolving life or our home lives around it would seem to be quite unbiblical.
• Allowing children to dictate their own schedules and then pandering to it. This goes hand-in-hand with the aforementioned comment.  But it bears repeating.  If we make it our aim to ensure our children or teens get to do what they want or choose to do most of the time, then we should not be surprised when those young kids grow into adult narcissists.  A fun activity now and then is fine and even healthy.  But if we find our schedules being dominated by self-serving, non-eternal things, it's time for a change.
• Living our daily and weekly lives as a narcissist.  Some may interpret my comments above to mean that parents get to be selfish and decide everything about the schedule and revolve it around their wishes.  Oh contraire!  How often do our children see us doing things that "put us out?"  That inconvenience us?  That are hard and not necessarily "fun?"  We often say, "If Mommy ain't happy ain't nobody happy."  But if we truly live like that, our children are seeing right through it.  We're modeling selfishness.  Life revolves around Mom's happiness.  Or, if Dad comes home and expects to do nothing but watch TV and eat pretzels and have his beer refreshed by all his little servants, then our children are seeing a model of narcissism.
• By not making time to serve others.  This pains me.  I see so many Christian parents getting serious about doing home life according to the Shema.  And I am so thankful for a revival of Deuteronomy 6 homes and parenting!  But, what we are far too often neglecting is the second greatest commandment: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt 22:39).  We are so busy doing "home" that we forget there is a lonely widow needing a visit, a tired single mom needing a long uninterrupted bath, a young man needing mentored, a lost co-worker needing the gospel, a new church member needing a friend, a cancer patient needing a hug, a hungry child needing a meal, a missionary needing help, a grieving sister in Christ needing a shoulder to cry on.  Oh Christian church family, please hear me!  If you are too busy to find someone or someway to serve every week, then you are too busy.  This is the number one way to raise narcissists - neglect and reject servanthood!  Move your schedule around and go serve people as a whole family in Jesus' name and for His glory.
• If Jesus was right (and He was), then life really revolves around loving God and loving others.  How are we making sure to build that worldview into our kids?  And how are we Modeling it?  How will our children truly learn that life in Christ's kingdom is a life of selfless cross-carrying service?
• That brings me to a final way to raise a narcissist - get your Kingdom Theology all mixed up.  Some preachers are teaching Christian parents to make their homes or families a kingdom.  Well, Adam was to rule the creation on behalf of God.  But remember, he screwed it up!  And now, Adam wants to rule his dominion by dominating his domain!  He wants to rule his family as a King with a capital "K."  And Eve wants to dethrone Adam and wear the King's Crown (or pants, as it were).  This is Genesis 3 stuff.  How often we forget that trying to be kings is what got us into this mess in the first place!  The story-line of the Bible is that only One King and Kingdom endure forever.  All other so-called kings are to put a  small letter "k" before their titles.  Or, better yet, jettison all those noble titles and take up the mantle of Christ: "Do not be called Rabbi . . . do not be called leaders; for One is your leader, Christ.  But the greatest among you shall be your servant" (Matt 23:8-11).  Our homes and little kingdoms must bow always and forever to King Jesus, who said, "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" (Matt 6:33).  It seems to me way too many well-meaning Christian parents have no real time for the Kingdom every week because they are too busy building their own kingdoms.  This is a sure fire way to raise Christian Narcissists.

God forgive us for our narcissism.  Remind us that it took the ultimate selfless sacrifice of Your Son Jesus to rescue us from our self-centeredness.  Make us servants.  Help us raise a new generation of servants who "prefer one another in honor" (Rom 12:10) and "esteem others more highly than themselves" (Phil 2:3).  Make us like Jesus, the One and Only King.  Help us revolve our lives and homes around King Jesus.  Amen.          

by Keith McWhorter