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By now it should be obvious I believe Christians need to shun anything remotely resembling what our culture calls "dating."  We need to shun it ourselves.  We need to raise our sons and daughters to shun it.

But, we dare not leave it there, for young men will be attracted to young women, and vice-versa.  This is by God's design!  So, we cannot simply shield our children from ever developing a relationship with potential spouses.  I hope by now readers have gotten a more biblical vision for how we might honor God, restore fathers (parents) to their rightful place in courtship, and protect our children from emotional, physical, and spiritual scars that will inevitably arise from dating the culture's way.

Before I attempt a summary of principles, however, let me state clearly what I am not advocating.  I am not recommending arranged marriages.  By "arranged" I mean a marriage completely set up by parents, without the participation or even the knowledge of the children involved.  Some cultures still practice arranged marriages.  Though I do not advocate for them, neither do I absolutely condemn cultures who have this pratice.  It is intruiging, for example, that in India where arranged marriages are standard fare, the divorce rate is light years lower than in post-modern cultures like America.  I once saw a documentary on arranged marriages in India, and a young man said something quite profound when commenting on the low divorce rates.  He said (paraphrased), "In America, you marry the one you love.  In India, we love the one we marry."  That's worth thinking about, friends.  Seems Hindus may have a better grasp of true love than those claiming to be followers of Christ in America!  Oh, the ugly toll that buying into our culture's romantic view of love has taken on us.

I have heard some people try to claim that arranged marriages were the norm in Old Covenant Israel, as well as in New Testament times.  But, as I read the Bible, is does not appear to me that God's design meets the definition of what we typically think of when we say "arranged marriages."  Rather, as stated in previous posts, I believe the model laid out for us in the Bible is what we might term "Participatory Partnership."  Here are the principles defining such a model of courtship:

1. Parents, in particular fathers, have the prominent role of protecting daughters' purity until marriage.
2. Parents serve as their daughters' first line evaluators of any potential suitors.
3. Sound doctrine must drive parents' decision-making when it comes to matters of opposite sex relations.  For instance, Jeremiah 17:9 demands high parental supervision and participation in the ways young teens spend time together.
4. Once a suitor develops a relationship with the Dad and Mom, and the parents have found obvious marks of regeneration/salvation and blossoming spiritual maturity, the suitor can then be permitted to begin developing a relationship with the daughter, always under Dad's watchful eye (or Mom's in Dad's absence).
5. The parent(s) should serve as advisors and ready counselors as the young relationship continues to grow.  Particular attention should be paid to helping the couple grow in their grasp of biblical / gospel love and a genuine Christian model of home / marriage.  Children must be trained well in these matters long before that first guy comes a knockin,' but the education must be constant and continuous, especialy as the attachment grows stronger during the courtship.
6. When it becomes clear to both the young man and woman that their hearts are committed for a lifetime, it is then (at the wedding) that a young woman is formally transferred from her Dad's headship to her husband's.
7. Young men must also be protected, but by God's design they are to be the seekers in the relationship.  "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife."  So, we must raise our sons to embrace this biblical vision of courtship.  Young men must return to honoring God and Dads and Moms in the way they approach getting to know a young girl.

Personally, as a Dad of daughters, I feel strongly that any young man desiring a relationship with one of my girls should come through me.  That is, he should seek a relationship with me first, long before he ever expresses his feelings of fondness to my daughter.  He should place himself willingly and joyfully under my spiritual mentorship and evaluation.  He should avoid trying to steal my daughter's heart without my hearty approval at all costs.  He dare not try to back me into a corner in the matter of giving my blessing.

My daughter's are being raised with this vision, this expectation, this confident surety that Daddy will protect them and that I am on their side, for the glory of God!  I believe when the time comes, my girls will be joyful to have me on their front lines, and will know I have their best interest at heart, and will honor this process with whole-hearted trust in our Sovereign God who works all things for their good because they are His called ones, and they love Him.

Now, some of you are thinking, "Poor, wretched young man who dares to come callin' at this pastor's door!"  Well, maybe so, depending on the young man.  But, believe me, this pastor is a chief sinner who would be ruined apart from the grace of God in Christ.  I look forward, actually, to the young man God will send to me one day, to express his desire to get to know one of my daughters.  I believe I and that young man will develop a most blessed relationship as we begin to walk with Christ together, and to walk through His Word together.  We'll share our hearts, talk of real manhood, work together, and come to know the pleasure of the Lord in the matter of my daughter.  We'll commit ourselves first to God's glory, and confess His sovereingty, come what may.  So long as the young man is also a man captured by grace, knowing how far from perfect we all are, and how Perfect Jesus is, and so long as he submits to mentoring and cultivates spiritual growth in godliness, he will meet my general criteria to take a step towards my daughter.

Now, I am praying and trusting God that another Dad out there somewhere is raising his son to have a similar vision.  After all, I do want to get off on the right foot with this young whipper-snapper!

Next and Concluding Post in This Series: The Makings of a Man