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In his book Family-Driven Faith, Voddie Baucham makes an assertion that the way Americans have done dating for many generations now is nothing more than practice for divorce.

Challenging, no? The argument found fertile soil in my heart, as my fatherly instincts have been crying out and seeking God in the matter of a “better way” for my own daughters. I decided to begin deeper contemplation and Bible study on this issue, and the Lord is changing my whole outlook on human relationships, especially a relationship that is meant to move towards marriage.

Growing up, I was told that the purpose of dating was to find a wife. Made sense then. Makes sense now. The only problem was the method of finding said spouse was not discussed much. It was assumed I would enter the dating scene like all my peers at school. This involved shopping around (which typically leads to fooling around), playing the field until someone began to meet my often overly self-centered desires, dating until one or both of us got tired/ bored of one another or found someone we liked better, then dropping the whole thing, vowing to stay friends.

This method left several young ladies in my wake. Some hurt. Some jilted. Some elated to be rid of me!

To “date” in my day meant going to the movies, or to the Pizza Hut. It meant letting everyone know at school that a certain girl was “mine,” until of course we decided some months or weeks later to call the whole thing off, then we were both officially “back on the market.” It meant holding hands in the school hallways, and yes sometimes sneaking kisses (a subject for the upcoming post) between classes. And of course we cool guys always sat with our girlfriends at lunch, but more honestly, we sat with entire groups of girls that we all dated on a rotating basis.

Dating also had a much darker side. It sometimes meant going to parties together, where the majority of teens were drinking and doing other things they had no business doing. God graciously spared me from any desire to become a partier-drinker, but this by no means implies I kept my dating habits spotless or sinless.

Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, the whole dating scene for me from middle school through high school was almost entirely unsupervised by adults. It was, when it comes right down to it, an unhealthy, blind groping, trying to figure out how in the world to manage to find that “special one.” The criteria for a good wife given in the Bible was somewhat known to me. I cannot claim ignorance there and I was a Christian teen. But, the criteria of the crowd around me suited my sin nature more readily, you see. Good looks. Popularity. Common extra-curricular activities. Good kisser. Looked good on my arm at school dances. Made other guys envious.

Somehow commitments to purity never made our peer pressured list. Nor did a commitment to being a Christ-exalting, submissive wife who wanted nothing more than to be a godly wife and mother, and who treasured the provision of protective male headship given to her by God. A gentle and quiet spirit just did not make the cut.

Yeah. Come to think of it, we were all just participating in divorce warm-ups, preparing to do our part to perpetuate the cycle of carved up, hurting, single-parent or multi-step-parent families. The whole thing was like a more innocent version of TV’s “The Bachelor.”

Chaos aptly described the dating scene back then. It still describes it today, too. Just spend some time with a teen, pick their brain in these matters, listen to their confused, jilted hearts. And why are Christian parents in the church continuing to allow or directly putting their children into this cycle of insanity? Dating as it has been done for generations now is absolutely biblically unjustifiable. No parent can quote Chapter and Verse to justify this madness.

Our children are crying out for a better way. But most of us 30-something parents did not live the better way ourselves. We must first confess our own sins, seek cleansing through Jesus’ blood, then determine by God’s grace to search out and obey the more biblical way for our children. We cannot teach and train what we do not know. We must seek God’s grace to break the cycle, for His glory and the good of our children and grandchildren.

Accepting the culture’s view and expectations for dating has gone on long enough. In the words of the hymn writer, “Rise up, O church of God, be done with lesser things.”

“God is not the author of confusion, but of peace” (1 Cor 14:33).

Next Post: Dating and the Doctrine of Depravity