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“For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel (Malachi 2:16). 

I don’t just hate divorce. I sometimes hate even the vocabulary of divorced people. The way they sometimes talk breaks my heart. The banter sounds something like this: 

“Well, I don't have to have her back until 10. Surely, he won't get mad if I keep her a little longer.” Or, “Well I can't pick my kids up till 9 and they leave at 12, so we won't be able to do dinner.” Or, “This is not my weekend. My kids cannot go.” 

Do you see the common denominator? 

Children. 

Kids are seemingly the people most affected by the after-math of divorce. I (Pastor Keith), have often said from the pulpit and in counseling rooms, “Kids are the innocent victims of every parental sin.” O, may God give us a sacrificial love for our children that reflects Jesus. Divorce inevitably distorts God’s design for one-man-one-woman-for-life marriage, because it prioritizes children over and above the one flesh union of husband and wife. Instead of fighting for their marriage, couples in divorce proceedings fight over the kids. At its core, divorce happens due to selfishness (at least on the part of one spouse, but sometimes both spouses). But, once a divorce is finalized, may God help Christian parents to care for the innocent victims – children – with tenderness and self-sacrifice. It’s not their fault. Don’t make them feel like the “monkey in the middle.” Don’t try to force them to choose sides. Their trauma is already nearly unbearable. Have mercy on the children! Have mercy! [This is also a polemic against divorce in the first place. Take it from a child of divorce (Pastor Keith). The divorce of my own parents is a wound I will carry to my grave.]    

But it’s not just the language of divorcees that sometimes makes me cringe. It’s also that of married Christians who have never been divorced. If these believers are in a difficult marriage, their banter sometimes sounds like this:

“It’s so hard for me to stay in this marriage.” Or, “I cannot wait until I am free of this hurtful relationship.” Or, “When he/she leaves, I am done with him/her finally.” Or, “If he/she does one more thing, I’m outta here.” Or, “Surely, God doesn’t expect me to keep putting up with this?”

Common denominator? 

Me, myself and I. This is how divorce happens. Take your eyes off Jesus. Turn inward and become consumed with your needs and your hurts. Stop looking to the interest of others with the mind of Christ (Phil 2:4). Put yourself first. It’s a sure-fire way to withhold forgiveness and become embittered. Self-focus ignores grace. If Jesus were self-focused, we would go to hell.  

But, I also sometimes hate the language of those Christians who are happily married. Especially as it pertains to others who may be in hard marriages or might be divorced. They might say things like this: 

“Well, they should not have married so quickly.” Or, “They neither one had the guts or commitment to stay.” Or, “Well, she should have thought more carefully before she married him.” Or, “His parents should have helped him be more cautious about choosing a wife.” Or, “Their pastor must not have done much pre-marital counseling.”

Common denominator? 

Pride. Presumption. 

Why did you marry your spouse? Why are you enjoying a happy marriage? Is it because of your greatness and goodness? Or is it by God’s grace in Christ alone? And why would you make presumptive assertions about someone else’s situation? Especially if you have never bothered to personally invest in that person, disciple that person, really get to know that person. What if that divorcee or person in a hard marriage prayed for months or years prior to marriage and received fantastic counseling? What if her parents did everything they could to try and help her choose a godly man? What if pastors and counselors worked with them for months to try and rescue their marriage prior to the divorce?

O, be careful, dear happily married Christians. Your haphazard words can crush an already crushed person. Words have so much power. Often good power. Like "We the people" or "I have a dream" or "Nothing to fear but fear itself" or “Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” But words can also hurt and cause damage that is under the surface. So many adult believers suffer for years from the wounds of words.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov 18:21). 

“The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and is set on fire by hell” (James 3:6). 

Be careful. Be careful. People are listening. God is listening (Matt 12:36-37). 

Brothers and Sisters, how are you loving your spouse? Are you giving voice to life or death? Are you burning up your home or building it up? Divorcees, do your children hear life or death concerning the absent spouse? By your words, do you fill your home with hatred and hurt or love and joy? God help us repent of words that burn holes in precious souls! Happily married believers, are you speaking life to women who have been abandoned by their husbands? Do you include single parents and children of divorce in your play dates? Do you gather those in hard marriages or those whose marriages have been dissolved by divorce or death around your dinner tables? Do you encourage weary wives and moms? Do you strengthen exasperated husbands and dads? Send them a text. Mail a card. Give a hug. Pray a prayer. 

Our marriages and relationships in the Church should matter . . . to each of us. To all of us. And learning to communicate God’s words of hope and life and joy and peace must become our priority and practice. Building healthy, biblical marriages, and raising up children who will pursue such, and ministering to everyone regardless of their marital status or situation, is one of the key reasons our church engages in Grace Marriage https://gracemarriage.com/. Join today! Or, make our Grace Marriage ministry a part of your daily prayers. One of the many reasons we love this ministry is that it really helps us learn to talk to each other about important things in ways that honor God and reflect Christ in submission to the Holy Spirit and His Word.  

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29).   

NOTE: This post is a combined effort of our Biblical Counselor, Lori Beard, and Pastor Keith, with the greater credit to Lori!

by Keith McWhorter