Blog

"If you are being counseled by a church to stay and die in a relationship that is mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially or physically abusive, trust God and walk away from that deceived ministry. God’s plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, and don’t let a flying monkey, toxic patriarchal misfit, or abuser friendly ministry persuade you otherwise."

This was the counsel a Christian woman recently received. From another Christian friend who attends a different church. This friend no doubt means well. But she is sorely in error. She is herself deceived. She is a “miserable physician” to quote the old man Job.

Let me explain further. And let me warn my few readers of the insidious danger lurking within such misguided counsel. 

First, the woman receiving this counsel is married. So, this is not just “a relationship.” It’s a covenant before God (Malachi 2:14). God has joined them together; therefore, let no person separate (Gen 2:22; Matt 19:6). 

Second, she is married to an unbeliever. And he has shown no inclination to leave the marriage. “If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him” (1 Cor 7:12-13). Those words are clear. Peter tells wives married to unbelieving husbands to still “be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2). 

Third, the phrase “stay and die” is meant literally by the misguided friend. She seems to be convinced that the married woman’s physical life is in imminent and grave danger. And believe me, if our church had any evidence or even a remote indication this was true, we would be the very first people to move her to a safe place, and to report any crimes to the proper authorities. Our church does not mess around with actual abuse. Period. And we have proven it time and again over the last decade. Our pastors, counselors, and members simply will not tolerate actual abuse. And we would never counsel someone to “stay and die” if we have any good reason, after due diligence (Prov 18:17), to believe the person is in real danger. 

But what we often mean when we say, “stay and die” is to die to self, spiritually. Because what this misguided friend calls “abuse” is what we simply call a hard marriage to an unbeliever. We are not insensitive to the challenges faced by a Christian married to a non-Christian. This is especially so if the non-Christian often behaves as a selfish jerk. But telling someone to leave a marriage just because a spouse is difficult, or unkind, or sometimes yells, or acts like a donkey, is just not biblical. How many Christians married to other Christians have actually had to endure mistreatment and hardships and personality clashes in their marriages? And so often they come out the other side, by God’s sanctifying grace, more like Christ. More deeply in love with one another. Better for enduring suffering together. How much more, then, might a believer married to an unbeliever have to endure hardships? If we all abandoned difficult relationships and people that rubbed us wrong, where would that leave us? 

An island! A self-righteous island. A prosperity-preaching island. A non-evangelistic island. A self-absorbed island. A never-say-suffer island. A comfort-seeking island. Lost at sea. 

You see, underlying this misguided advice are two grievous errors. And both are infiltrating churches of all stripes at alarming rates, our own Southern Baptist Convention definitely included.

Error #1 – Any and all behaviors that are wrong, sinful, hurtful in any way, or just cause me any form of discomfort, are “abusive.” The definition of “abuse” is being changed. Hi-jacked. By social justice warriors, cultural Marxists and/or critical theorists. By the #MeToo Movement. Do you see in the opening lines of this blog how this friend defines “abusive?” Read it again carefully:

 “. . . a relationship that is mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially or physically abusive.”

Well, every relationship every single one of us has ever had falls under one of those categories! What constitutes mental or emotional abuse? Being yelled at? Called a name? Asked to make supper every night? Expected to take out the trash every week? 

What is financial abuse in a marriage? Being expected to work 50 hours a week or two jobs if that’s what it takes to provide for a family and allow a wife to stay home and care for children? Being told as a wife to take a job outside the home to help pay extra bills? To be asked to manage the financial spread sheets and bank statements? Not being able to buy whatever I want whenever I want? 

Do you see the point? Christians are buying into the victim mentality that says if anything in a relationship is hard on me, or makes me uncomfortable, or expects me to do something that I would prefer not to do, well, that’s abuse. Any harsh words ever spoken to me make me an instant oppressed victim, which now justifies my own sinful response. And who among us has not said harsh words to others, including our spouses? Who among us has never placed wrong or unrealistic expectations upon our family members? Who among us has never sinned financially? Who among us has not disregarded another’s emotions? 

This kind of thinking is “not according to Christ” (Col 2:8). Don’t be taken captive by it, Church! It leaves no room for forgiveness. No atonement. It is self-righteous victimhood. It underestimates the power of the gospel to both save and sanctify, in God’s time and in His way. It is, to be blunt, anti-gospel. 

And if everything is abuse, nothing is. And that will eventually destroy our ministry to actual abuse victims. People who are literally being physically harmed or damaged in permanent ways that are criminal need our help. They need our gospel. They need our Jesus. As do their perpetrators. But redefining abuse to encompass nearly anything erases critical distinctions that allow us all to minister as redeemed people in a fallen world. Telling someone to flee a hard relationship when nobody is actually in any real danger and no crimes are being committed renders true, biblical gospel ministry impossible.

Because gospel ministry requires us to die to self. To move into people’s messes. To endure suffering. To bear reproach and shame. And this is Error #2 – Prosperity Gospel. Did you catch it? “God’s plans are to prosper you and not to harm you.” 

Define “prosper” and “harm.” O, dear friends, definitions are so very important. By “prosper” the misguided friend implies God would never ask or expect anyone to stay in a very difficult, emotionally and mentally taxing or sexually frustrating relationship. And, apparently, God would never put someone into a situation or expect them to stay where “harm” could happen. 

Imagine giving this counsel to Joseph sitting in his own excrement in an Egyptian dungeon. Imagine telling this to Israel under Egyptian slavery (which God prophesied and ordained, per Genesis 15:13-14). Give that counsel to the Apostle Paul after he was stoned and left for dead in Lystra (Acts 14). Tell this to Christian women in Iran, who are beaten nearly every week. Tell it to Christian men in North Korea who are starved nearly to death in labor camps. This kind of garbage is being peddled by the western church which has grown fat and worships the idols of wealth, health and luxury.

If God predestined His sinless Son to be crucified (Acts 2:23; 4:27-28), what in the world would make us think that He would never ordain suffering for us? Jesus said if we would follow Him, we must take up our cross daily (Luke 9:23). The cross is an instrument of suffering and death, by the way. 

Paul actually made it a personal goal to “share His sufferings becoming like Him in His death” (Phil 3:10). And to the Church of Rome, Paul wrote by Holy Spirit inspiration:

“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are the children of God, and if children, then heirs – heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him” (Rom 8:16-17, emphasis mine).    

Try telling the man who said, “I bear on my body the marks of Jesus” (Gal 6:17) that God wants only to prosper him and not harm him. Try telling it to Ezekiel when God told him to lay on his side for over a year and cook his food over cow’s dung (Ezek 4). Counsel John in exile on the Isle of Patmos with such foolishness. The prosperity gospel is no gospel at all. It pretends to already walk in the New Jerusalem.

“In this world, you will have tribulation” (John 16:33, emphasis mine). 

“For this is a gracious thing, when mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly . . . for to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example so that you might follow in His steps” (1 Peter 2:19-21, emphasis mine).   

“Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness” (James 1:2-3). 

If this makes Jesus, Peter, Paul and James “a flying monkey, toxic patriarchal misfit, or abuser friendly ministry,” then I rejoice that we are in such good company.

P.S. The sister in our fellowship who received the misguided advice is standing firmly in the truth of God. We are honored to call her our sister in Christ, and are humbled to be her pastors and counselors. 

by Keith McWhorter